My late father taught me how to dress with timeless style in a way that whispered clearly to those who understood, whilst those who liked to "shout" didn't understand. I do dress smartly, but not loudly.
Another thought that your post inspires is that the more we free ourselves of ego, the less we "need" material things. On my own journey I find that very freeing. I choose to practice "enough-ism". I have a modest house that is enough for my needs, and only few possessions as I learned that, beyond a certain point, our stuff owns us, we don't own it. Having enough and no more also means I am rich in time ("Yutori" is a great word for that).
PS I do own a Porsche too. A (relatively) modest one, rare, quiet, perfect to bring a smile to my face and remind me fondly of my late father and brother, both of whom would, if they could talk to me now, remind me of the teenage me who always dreamed of having one.
I've been (actually) reading your newsletter for some time and this is the first time I've had a difference of opinion.
Until very recently, I was the Stoic who ran around in cargo shorts, a t-shirt, and disheveled hair. However, it became painfully clear to me that people judged me, unfairly, based on my outward appearance.
Some would underestimate me. Others would completely misjudge me. It wasn't fair, but it was happening.
So, I got a haircut, started wearing a collared shirt and nice pants. Suddenly people were stopping me to say hi and to introduce me to their friends. I'll admit that there may be some survival bias here, but perception is reality.
I was perfectly happy just being myself, and I believe that I'm generally well liked.
So, I have learned that some times you just have to coddle other peoples misconceptions.
Personally, I'd much prefer to be underestimated than overestimated. So much less pressure and I have an advantage over those that are doing the underestimating.
Love this thoughtful piece. Definitely sometimes fall into the trap of dressing to impress. But you’re right, if you don’t care if people think you’re successful, you have more peace of mind.
Really nice article Darius. Being in the space of enoughness does take some working of some emotional muscles that get their power from core spiritual truths. Its still not easy some times but most times its easy. Good to know that there are kindered spirits.
This is great advice for men, but it does not translate the same way for women. 😅
The reality is that when women stop looking “put together,” we often lose credibility in the workplace and in public spaces. I am not saying anyone needs to wear Chanel every day. As a mom, I have noticed that when I look “poor” or unpolished, I am treated very differently, and usually not in a positive way.
I remember a TikTok where a woman intentionally dressed down and dropped a box. Almost no one helped her pick it up, aside from a few empathetic women. When she repeated the experiment wearing something cute and feminine, with a bit of pink and a little skin showing, people rushed to help her almost immediately.
It is unfortunate, but women generally do not get ahead by looking poor. All of us yoga-pants lovers would rejoice if that were true. 😄
That said, I still loved the article and will absolutely pass the wisdom along to my little boy.
Growing up in Canada, E.P. Taylor was the wealthiest man. I remember my dad telling me me that he saw him in Toronto once getting off a bus. Probably in the ‘50s.
I found myself quite perturbed by the anecdote about your mentor, whom you describe as now being among the wealthiest people in the Netherlands. While I understand why you find the story compelling, it did not land that way for me, and I suspect I may not be alone among your readers.
In particular, the example of your mentor, who came from relative wealth, asking customers for money for lunch, despite already earning well, did not strike me as a “healthy poor mindset.” Rather than humility or freedom from signaling, it came across to me as exploitative: transferring small costs onto others who were likely less well off.
To my mind, this behaviour does not demonstrate an absence of ego or a lack of concern for appearances. Instead, it suggests a comfort with leveraging asymmetry: having more while taking from those with less. Unsurprisingly, this approach appears to have coincided with his later accumulation of extreme wealth.
There is a vast difference between the "Postman" who quietly performs his job without signaling, and a man "earning good money" who expects others to subsidize his lunch.
There is a commonly expressed view that there is no such thing as an ethical billionaire.
Your mentor’s story, as presented, seems to reinforce that sentiment.
Darius I completely agree with the premise of your piece. It is also part of Rich Dad Poor Dad I believe, that the rich don't flaunt their wealth. However I don't like your mentor's actions. One should not seek to exploit others when you have what you need. He was being disingenuous by asking for a fiver and that isn't a virtuous way to gain wealth.
Thanks, Peter. I think it’s a funny story. He was a young guy trying to build something. Nothing malicious about the guy. He’s one of the most charitable people in the country. He was simply too busy that he forgot his wallet.
If he was really without his wallet he should have treated it as loan and repaid it on his next visit, that would be the virtuous thing to do. I don't doubt that he was a great guy and also generous in other ways if you say so, I just feel that one should also always be transparent about ones situation. Thanks for the response. I enjoy, and agree, with your view on wealth generally as laid out in you blog and book Stoic Path.
Money shouts, wealth whispers.
My late father taught me how to dress with timeless style in a way that whispered clearly to those who understood, whilst those who liked to "shout" didn't understand. I do dress smartly, but not loudly.
Another thought that your post inspires is that the more we free ourselves of ego, the less we "need" material things. On my own journey I find that very freeing. I choose to practice "enough-ism". I have a modest house that is enough for my needs, and only few possessions as I learned that, beyond a certain point, our stuff owns us, we don't own it. Having enough and no more also means I am rich in time ("Yutori" is a great word for that).
PS I do own a Porsche too. A (relatively) modest one, rare, quiet, perfect to bring a smile to my face and remind me fondly of my late father and brother, both of whom would, if they could talk to me now, remind me of the teenage me who always dreamed of having one.
I like that, Tom. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning expensive things. Things that enrich your own life are worth it.
I've been (actually) reading your newsletter for some time and this is the first time I've had a difference of opinion.
Until very recently, I was the Stoic who ran around in cargo shorts, a t-shirt, and disheveled hair. However, it became painfully clear to me that people judged me, unfairly, based on my outward appearance.
Some would underestimate me. Others would completely misjudge me. It wasn't fair, but it was happening.
So, I got a haircut, started wearing a collared shirt and nice pants. Suddenly people were stopping me to say hi and to introduce me to their friends. I'll admit that there may be some survival bias here, but perception is reality.
I was perfectly happy just being myself, and I believe that I'm generally well liked.
So, I have learned that some times you just have to coddle other peoples misconceptions.
Just my $.02
Mike
Agree. Appearance does matter. I also avoid extremes. Not extremely messy and also not obsessed with looks. Sounds like you found that balance.
Personally, I'd much prefer to be underestimated than overestimated. So much less pressure and I have an advantage over those that are doing the underestimating.
Same.
I enjoy reading your articles, full of insights.
All very true and good reminder. Thanks for reminding Me.
Thanks for reading, Melissa!
Love this thoughtful piece. Definitely sometimes fall into the trap of dressing to impress. But you’re right, if you don’t care if people think you’re successful, you have more peace of mind.
🙏
Really nice article Darius. Being in the space of enoughness does take some working of some emotional muscles that get their power from core spiritual truths. Its still not easy some times but most times its easy. Good to know that there are kindered spirits.
Well said. Thanks for reading!
This is great advice for men, but it does not translate the same way for women. 😅
The reality is that when women stop looking “put together,” we often lose credibility in the workplace and in public spaces. I am not saying anyone needs to wear Chanel every day. As a mom, I have noticed that when I look “poor” or unpolished, I am treated very differently, and usually not in a positive way.
I remember a TikTok where a woman intentionally dressed down and dropped a box. Almost no one helped her pick it up, aside from a few empathetic women. When she repeated the experiment wearing something cute and feminine, with a bit of pink and a little skin showing, people rushed to help her almost immediately.
It is unfortunate, but women generally do not get ahead by looking poor. All of us yoga-pants lovers would rejoice if that were true. 😄
That said, I still loved the article and will absolutely pass the wisdom along to my little boy.
I’ve seen that video too! You’re right. People definitely judge. I think that video was staged though. However, some truth to it probably.
Also depends on city and country. Some places are more focused on appearances than others.
Growing up in Canada, E.P. Taylor was the wealthiest man. I remember my dad telling me me that he saw him in Toronto once getting off a bus. Probably in the ‘50s.
Love it.
I found myself quite perturbed by the anecdote about your mentor, whom you describe as now being among the wealthiest people in the Netherlands. While I understand why you find the story compelling, it did not land that way for me, and I suspect I may not be alone among your readers.
In particular, the example of your mentor, who came from relative wealth, asking customers for money for lunch, despite already earning well, did not strike me as a “healthy poor mindset.” Rather than humility or freedom from signaling, it came across to me as exploitative: transferring small costs onto others who were likely less well off.
To my mind, this behaviour does not demonstrate an absence of ego or a lack of concern for appearances. Instead, it suggests a comfort with leveraging asymmetry: having more while taking from those with less. Unsurprisingly, this approach appears to have coincided with his later accumulation of extreme wealth.
There is a vast difference between the "Postman" who quietly performs his job without signaling, and a man "earning good money" who expects others to subsidize his lunch.
There is a commonly expressed view that there is no such thing as an ethical billionaire.
Your mentor’s story, as presented, seems to reinforce that sentiment.
Wow, baffled by your judgy comment. You also reinforce the internet people who comment without context.
He gave them back all the money and more in huge discounts.
Also, what you don’t know, without my mentor’s help and support, the other person’s company would be out of business.
So before you judge, ask for more details. It’s weird you go off a tangent based on a tiny anecdote in a short article.
I seem to have touched a raw nerve.
I'm surprised and confused by your response.
I'm not sure why you would describe my comment as "judgy". You wrote a piece, and it made an impression on me. Is that not the purpose of writing?
Surely you can't expect everyone who reads something you write to ask for more details. You write, we read.
I merely noted that, "While I understand why you find the story compelling, it did not land that way for me".
The father in the anecdote said, “He has money. He just doesn’t want to spend it.”
I think my interpretation of his actions -as you described them - are quite reasonable.
Darius I completely agree with the premise of your piece. It is also part of Rich Dad Poor Dad I believe, that the rich don't flaunt their wealth. However I don't like your mentor's actions. One should not seek to exploit others when you have what you need. He was being disingenuous by asking for a fiver and that isn't a virtuous way to gain wealth.
Thanks, Peter. I think it’s a funny story. He was a young guy trying to build something. Nothing malicious about the guy. He’s one of the most charitable people in the country. He was simply too busy that he forgot his wallet.
If he was really without his wallet he should have treated it as loan and repaid it on his next visit, that would be the virtuous thing to do. I don't doubt that he was a great guy and also generous in other ways if you say so, I just feel that one should also always be transparent about ones situation. Thanks for the response. I enjoy, and agree, with your view on wealth generally as laid out in you blog and book Stoic Path.
That’s fine as long as being discriminated against won’t ruin you.