Why Modern Life Feels so Hard (even when you’re doing well)

Control less. Live better.

So you want to have a good job that pays well. But you also want to have loads of free time so you can do fun things.

And if that’s not enough, you also want to have a nice car and a comfortable house. Oh yeah, and go on a vacation every few months.

But the reality is that jobs that pay well are scarce. And if you do get paid well, you have to put in a lot of time. So you don’t even have much free time to do all those fun things and vacations.

You have to pay taxes, do groceries, clean your house, spend time with the people who are close to you, and fulfill a bunch of other obligations. And this is all if you don’t have kids.

So yeah, life is complex and demanding. And pretty much no one in the world has the exact life they want. Even if you have a great career, make good money, and like your life, you might still have to deal with sickness, injuries, accidents, and other bad events.

Now here’s the deal: Will the demanding nature of life cause you to crumble, or do you just shrug everything off? Many of us get anxious, down, and negative because life is so hard. Especially if we feel we’re not in control.

Dealing with things that are outside your control

Over the last year, I also had to deal with a lot of things that were outside my control. I got married at the beginning of this year, but it took a LOT of paperwork to get that done. I met my wife in Spain, where she was on a student visa. Then we had to do a lot of paperwork to get her permanent visa in the Netherlands.

Anyone who has gone through the process of applying for and waiting on visas knows how uncertain everything is. You have zero control. You just submit the paperwork and wait. That’s not something I’m used to. I’m used to taking action and taking care of my problems alone.

I don’t like my job? I’ll find another one or start a business. I’m not in shape? I’ll start running daily. I don’t like a stock anymore that I own? I’ll sell it and buy another stock with better prospects. It’s all just action.

But now I’m dealing more with things I don’t control. My wife is currently 33 weeks pregnant. We’re on baby countdown now. Everything revolves around the due date.

Again, this is something I have zero control over. Sure, we can limit stress and make sure we eat well, sleep enough, and get exercise. But other than that, we’re just waiting.

Ultimately, the outcomes are not within my control. So I don’t worry about that. This is something the Stoics talked about a lot. Here’s what Epictetus said:

“When I see someone in a state of anxiety, I say, ‘What is it that he wants?’ For unless he wanted something that was not within his power, how could he still be anxious?”

If you find yourself uneasy, worried, anxious, stressed, or angry, it’s probably because you’re focused on what’s outside of your control. We need to accept that life is hard and that we don’t control most things.

Let life unfold the way it does

If I look back on just the past year, there were a lot of things I worried about that eventually turned out just fine.

A big cause of worry was trying to find a new house. I wanted to buy a bigger house for almost two years, and every time we went to look at a property, there was something that just didn’t feel right.

So I waited. But when we learned about the pregnancy in June of this year, I suddenly had a deadline. I had to figure it out before the end of the year. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to move anymore because my wife would be too far along in her pregnancy.

We didn’t want to have all that moving stress in the final two months.

So we were looking for houses the whole summer. And by late August, we finally found our dream home. It just happened.

If you’re doing all the right things, it’s a matter of time before you get what you want. In some cases, you might have to wait for years.

For the past two years, I got my finances in order, drastically underspent, saved diligently, invested in stocks, and just let everything else unfold.

Did I want to buy my dream home a year earlier? Sure. But that didn’t happen. And that was okay.

Life doesn’t unfold as you want but rather as it wants, whether you call it God or the universe.

Things happen.

Your job is to deal with things when they come on your path. Not before they happen. But when they happen.

Life feels hard when you resist all of the above. And no matter how well you’re doing, if you get angry when you don’t get what you want, you will suffer.

Just let it be and do the right thing. That’s all you can do. Life will take care of itself.